We’re an opinionated bunch here at KnowTechie. In fact, the only thing we enjoy more than expressing our own opinions is shooting each others’ down with vociferous, unrestrained vitriol.
As such, we’ve decided to launch a new weekly series, the KnowTechie Roundtable, to do just that. Join us every Friday to hear us dish dish, bish on our favorite topics in tech while hurling insults at one another but mostly Kevin.
So, we ask: A startup is selling robot clones of real people – Who would you get one of?
Josiah: After seeing what these things look like in real life, give me a Kevin robot, that’s all I need in my life. I would just have him set up behind me while working and gaming saying random Boston things like “You go, keehd.”
Curtis: “Hey Jo, Jo, you see tha Celtics lately bro? God I need some more meth”
Matt: *beep boop* “park da cah in harvahd yahd” *beep boop*
Jared: *additional comment making fun of Kevin and/or Boston*
Joe: Why do you all think that Kevin would stop at just one roboclone? I could see The Human Centipede being made out of cloned Kevins, except it wouldn’t be their digestive tracts that were sewn together…
Jared: Before we drag Kevin any further, we can all agree that, regardless of the robot’s true purpose, we’re banging these things, right?
Curtis: Whatever happened to just fucking a Hot Pocket? Why do you want to risk it with a robot? That’s like trying to bang a shop-vac. The ROI just doesn’t clock in one’s favor. This tech is nowhere near optimized for sexual activity, hell, even sex robots are just floppy plastic in their sex bits. This thing basically has a toaster for a mouth. Would you fuck a toaster Joe? Nevermind. I know the answer.
Jared: And I now know how Jennifer Lopez’s character felt in The Cell. Good God, Curtis.
Curtis: I mean, you let it cool down a bit first. But if you can’t wait, a wet, untoasted bagel works.
Joe: I mean maybe if it was a Razer Toaster… Mmmm sweet Chroma action…
Colin: What the heck did I just walk into…? Why do I always find myself in situations like this? Why?
Existential problems aside, I would get a robot Mickey Goldmill from Rocky, just so I get some good morning motivation. Specifically, from a gravelly-voiced small Philadelphian boxer.
Jared: It’s for that same reason I’d go with Matt Foley. I miss Chris Farley so goddamn much and having one of his most iconic characters around to talk about staying off drugs lest I wind up living in a van down by the river would just be the tops. And if Adam Sandler or David Spade has to die to make this happen, so be it.
Matt: Not to push this conversation into more morbid territory, but if you could clone a dead person just to have the satisfaction of watching them die again, who would it be?
Jared: Can it be an animal? If so, the fucking stingray that killed Steve Irwin.
Josh: I’ve thought about what it’d be like to clone a loved one but haven’t considered cloning someone just to watch them die though. Maybe someone that didn’t kill themself, like Jeffery Epstein?
Curtis: Joe would have sex with the robot torso of Margaret Thatcher.
But on that, I’d bring back the most inspirational, motivational human to have ever existed – Jesus. How’s that for a religious spin, Matt? Then Joe would fuck it. Joe would fuck the robot torso of Jesus. Actually, I’d probably just make a robot torso of Shia Lebouf shouting “DO IT” over and over and over until I inevitably burn it with fire, then avert my gaze as Joe fucks it.
Joe: I guess ol’ Maggie was the original Iron Lady, so maybe it makes sense on a metaphorical level… She’s still Mr. Ed with a wig on though.
Colin: And as that morbid nonsense goes on, I would have a robot Randy Savage and a robot Bobby “The Brain” Heenan commentate the carnage. And then I can finally accomplish a goal of commentating with two pro wrestling greats. Even if it isn’t a wrestling match.
Curtis: Oh shit we can get more than one? Then I want a Martian Short, a Chevy Chase and a Steve Martin from Three Amigos to sing nonsense songs at me while I try to keep Joe from having sex with them.
Colin: I saw Martin Short and Steve Martin live last summer and I absolutely lost it when they started doing songs from Three Amigos.
Kevin: Wow, this roundtable has gone off the rails. WTF just happened. With that all of that in mind, my pick would be Mr. Feeny from Boy Meets World. I don’t know why, but I imagine having a robot that looks like a middle-aged high school principal would be pretty dope.
Curtis: Kevin, unable to still come to terms with his crush on Fred Savage’s brother’s crush on Topanga. And don’t lie, you’d get a torso of Mr. Belding, but Mr. Belding now.
Kevin: Damn, Mr. Belding looks like he totally fucks too. Who do you got, Josh?
Josh: While Colin probably has the best answer (because the cream riiiiiises to the top), how has everyone’s answer not been the man, myth and sex-icon, Danny Devito? You could come home from a bad day at work and Devito-bot could offer you a boiled egg in these trying times. Seriously, just having a torso of Danny Devito just sitting around my living room, yelling one-liners from his history of work would be rum-ham levels of fun.
Curtis: Between Taxi Devito and Sunny in Philly Devito, the crazy one-liners would never end. It would be a slow descent into madness.
Alright, that about wraps things up for this week’s KnowTechie Roundtable. What do you think? Did we miss anything? If that’s the case, Let us know down in the comments or feel free to reach out to us personally. Seriously, whether it’s about Curtis, Colin, Jared, Josiah, Josh, Joe, Matt, or Kevin – we want to hear from you.
Sorry, we know this was a lot. But is there anyone you would get one of? If you have any thoughts or suggestions, this is where you come in. Let us know down below in the comments or carry the discussion over to our Twitter or Facebook.